Valentine’s Day Massacre

Did you know the IRS considers Valentine’s Day to be an especially revealing day for insider tax fraud tips? That’s right. Tax auditors check for Ventine’s Day dinner and travel receipts, to reveal hidden relationships that are passed off as tax deductable business expenses. The dentist who does tax deductable “business” with a marketing consultant, whom he also just so happens to meet on Venatine’s Day at some resort somewhere? Busted.

Did you know private detectives consider Valentine’s Day to be worth waiting for? Often times the costs associated with tracking down lovers having illicit affairs can be very high, so the private dick recommends the client simply wait for Valentine’s Day. Sure as the Pope is Catholic, the cheaters will find a way to spend that evening together. It works… they catch plenty of cheaters on Valentine’s Day.

It’s always the women who insist on being treated on Valentine’s day. They want to feel “special”, and hate the idea of him being with some other woman (even his wife) on Valentine’s Day. So is it worth getting caught?

I say New Year’s Eve is amateur night for boozers. We real boozers know to stay home that night, to avoid getting killed by the amateurs. And Valentine’s Day is for suckers. We pro’s know it is best to give Valentine’s Day (night) to the other woman, in order to preserve just about every other worthwhile dating opportunity in the year. Let her have him on Valentine’s… don’t be stupid. Make him pay later, if you must, but keep the peace and find some reason your are busy on Valentine’s Day and he can’t take you out. Make sure it’s not secret, so he doesn’t think your cheating on his cheating, mind you, but skedaddle outta there. It’s just too much trouble.

Some ideas for making it all work out in your favor, without wrecking everything:

• screw him silly for two days prior to Valentine’s Day, to the point of soreness. He’s less likely to try and get laid on your day off that way.
• on Valentine’s Day, call him up and say you have this weird red rash and went to get tested, and everything’s okay, but the doc says don’t be intimiate with anyone for two days until the test results come back. That’ll help him avoid the temptation to cheat on you, heh heh.
• give him a big hickey (suck spot) on his penis the day before Valentines, and then show it to him. He’ll be aghast at how much it looks like a Herpes sore, as you laugh at how easy it was to suck gently and create such a rich red spot. They last about a day and a half, so that should keep him shy during Valentine’s Night.

Have any better ideas? Post a comment, below.